Wandering Through Life!

So I decided to start a blog awhile back I just never got around to actually doing it. The only excuse I have is I’m a mom… of Irish Twins. I’m also a hot mess mom and semi proud. I’m not a normal “modern mom”, I’m just a mom trying to survive parenthood. Like all mom’s I don’t know everything and I’ll never know everything there is to being a mom. I just decided to share my life unfiltered and hope that some mom who stumbles upon it reads and either laughs at my pain, smiles because she has been there or it helps her out in some way.

Peace.Love.And Keep Adventuring.

First blog post

Advertisements

Anxiety Prevents Messy Memories

My family and I have lived in our home for a year and a half now and not one time have I had people over other then my parents and in laws. Multiple times people have asked to come over and see the place but I always say no because my house is a disaster. The replies are always the same “You have kids it’s understandable. Messy house means memories being made.” Which for most families that’s ok. Most mom’s can look at the mess and smile because their kids are happy and making memories. But I can’t.

Anxiety prevents me from being able to enjoy the messy moments. I see a messy house and immediately the anxiety swells up inside and I can’t help but get upset I can’t help but get stressed. Alice starts pulling things out of her toy box and throws it on the grown and walks away and it bothers me. She is only 17 months old she doesn’t know any better and doesn’t understand why her mother is getting upset. Thankfully she just laughs it off and skips on but how long will she be able to do that? 

Children are supposed to make messes. They are supposed to pull all the toys out of the toy box and leave them there. They are supposed to put there food in their hair and make messes while eating. They are supposed to go outside and fall down and get dirty. Kids with normally functioning parents can do that but mine cannot. I feed Alice the least messy food I can find to prevent a mess. We don’t go outside because I’m terrified she will get dirty or hurt. My anxiety, my mental illness prevents my children from making normal memories. It prevents play dates because I’m afraid that child will hurt mine or will make my kids sick. I hover over my kids to prevent anything from happening and all that is going to do is hurt them in the end. 

I have recently started taking medicine to help ease my anxiety and keep it locked away. Children need to be children but they can’t when mommy can’t control herself. I’m always looking for natural ways and alternatives to help with anxiety so leave a comment below telling me how you control it. 

Peace.Love.And Keep Adventuring 

Life’s Daily Struggles 

*Just Breathe*

*Just Breathe*

I tell myself this multiple times a day, and when I say multiple times I mean at least 8 times a day. All day long I’m telling myself just breathe, you love your kids, they could be worse. 

You probably are sitting back thinking “she only has 2 and the oldest is only a year and a half how could it be so bad?” Trust me I ask myself that same question everyday. I tell myself I suck at being a mom because I can’t handle my own kids at times. I tell myself if I can’t handle them now how can I handle them when they are older and are into more things? 

Everyday every family has their struggles, everyday parents are asking the same questions. If you aren’t going through this then please get in contact with me and teach me your ways!

Daily Bumps 

A normal day for me consists of having one baby attached to my boob while chasing the other one from one end of the house to the other. Or trying to use the restroom while feeding Alice cookies to get her to calm down. It also consists of sitting in my room crying while both of them sit strapped in their highchairs screaming because nothing mommy does is making them happy.

We all have bumps throughout our day whether it’s our children getting hurt or hurting their sibling (which happens a lot at my house) whether it’s our children destroying the room we just spent 3 hours cleaning. They are getting into everything or nothing you do makes them happy so they scream all day. These things are normal, doesn’t mean you suck doesn’t mean you can’t handle being a parent, it just means we have a few bumps in the day to get over. 

Alice destroying a brand new box of tissues

Future Daily Struggles 

I know right now my struggles are easy compared to how bad they are going to get. Right now I have one walker and one army crawler and I know once they both start walking I’ll have a whole new set of bumps to get over. I know when they start talking more will be added on but for now I’m just going to pretend this is as hard as it gets. That in 2 years I will have 2 perfect angels who do no wrong… please tell me there is small chance of that happening? 

Took me 3 hours to clean, took Alice 5 minutes to destroy it

In the comments down below tell me how your family deals with daily bumps.

Peace.Love.And Keep Adventuring 

Postpartum Depression

*****trigger warning*****

*

Everyone has heard of postpartum depression (PPD) but no one every expects it to happen to them. PPD is a serious mental health problem characterized by a prolong period of emotional disturbances. PPD can have a significant consequences for both the mother and new family. It’s rare but about 50% of all cases go undiagnosed. 50-85% of all mom’s will experience baby blues but only 13% will experience PPD.  That’s about 1 out of every 7 mother’s.

I was one of those mom’s. For the first couple of weeks after having Alice everything seemed fine. The first week she stayed in the hospital the next 2 weeks we lived with my husband’s parents pretty much. I was tired which was normal since I was up every night with a newborn… then things changed.

All of a sudden I had no desire to get up with my daughter at night. When she would wake up to eat I would just lay there and stare at the wall waiting until my husband woke up. When my husband would go to work I would hide out in another room when my daughter would cry. I didn’t want to hold her but I also didn’t want anyone else to hold her. If my husband’s mom came over to relieve me for a little while I’d cry in my room because I was convinced Alice liked his mom more because she wasn’t crying. I hated myself, I didn’t feel like a mom and wasn’t binding with my baby. I also didn’t want my husband around, I would start fights on purpose to get him to go away. I would “use” the bathroom and stay in there for long periods and just cry because I didn’t want to live anymore. I felt my daughter would be better off if I was gone. I would go days at a time without showering or changing my clothes. Every day it got worse and worse until one day my husband came home and my bags were packed because I was leaving. My exact words to him were “I don’t know why my bags are packed or why I plan to take my stuff when my whole purpose is to go out and end things anyway. You and Alice deserve so much better and I’m making it possible by doing this.” Those words still haunt me today. That was when my husband knew I needed help. 

My husband took my straight to my OBGYN the very next day. Of course at first I acted as if everything was fine and my husband was the crazy one, no one ever wants to admit they have a problem. After awhile my Dr new what questions to ask and what to say to get me to crack and immediately prescribed me anti-depressants. She knew at first I wouldn’t take them she new it was going to be a trying time for my husband to get me to take them. And it was just that. For days I refused, for days I fought my husband. He refused to go into work because he was terrified of what would happen and never left my side. He took care of me and my daughter and not once did he complain. After about a week of this I finally had a “good” day. My husband took advantage of this time and took me out. He took our daughter to his parents and we had “us” time. He took me to dinner and pretty much begged me to take my medicine. Told me my daughter needed me and he needed me. It took awhile but I finally took them after taking them consistently for 2 weeks I started to get back to my normal self. I finally started bonding with my daughter and made another one. 

After having Vi my husband quickly caught the signs of PPD again and we got me help sooner this time around. This time I knew something was wrong, I didn’t want to go down the path I had before. 

No one wants to admit they need help, no one wants to admit they have a mental health problem. But if you are pregnant do the research before hand know the signs and inform those around you, inform your partner and family so they can know the signs and get you the help you need. It can save a life. 

Signs of Baby Blues

  • Weepiness/crying for no apparent reason
  • Impatience 
  • Irritability 
  • Restlessness 
  • Anxiety
  • Sadness 
  • Mood Change
  • Poor concentration

Signs of PPD

  • Loss of appetite 
  • Insomnia
  • Intense irritability and anger
  • Overwhelming fatigue 
  • Loss of interest in sex
  • Lack of joy in life
  • Feelings of shame, guilt or inadequacy 
  • Severe mood swings
  • Withdrawal from family and friends
  • Difficulty bonding with your baby
  • Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

Suicide accounts for 20% of postpartum deaths and is the 2nd most common cause of mortality in postpartum woman.

Symptoms can appear during pregnancy and the first 12 months after child birth.

PPD is the most under-diagnosed obstetrical complication in the United States. 

Women who have one episode of PPD have 50% chance of experiencing it again with a second pregnancy.

Breastfeeding Journey

Breastfeeding is slowly starting to become normal again, which I’m still confused as to why it was ever seen as “not normal” to begin with. Before I get to into this blog I do want to state that I believe in “Fed is best”. I don’t believe you should ever feel forced to breastfeed your child if you don’t want to. I don’t think a woman should ever feel like less of a woman because she can’t breastfeed. As long as your baby has a happy full little belly that’s all that matters, but I just want to share my personal experience and breastfeeding journey. 

Before I got pregnant with Alice I said I wouldn’t breastfeed. It wasn’t that I was against it I just felt uncomfortable and thought seeing a woman put her baby on her boob was super awkward. I was one of those people who would stare at a woman for pulling her boob out in public and popping it in her babies mouth. So I do apologize if I ever stared at any of you and made you feel weird. I believed that breastfeeding should be done in private and if you absolutely had to do it in public then please cover up, I don’t care how hot it is cover up… Yeah I was one of those dreaded people.

After I found out I was pregnant with Alice I still felt weird about breastfeeding so I had made up my mind that she would be formula fed. I told myself that with her being formula fed I would be able to get more sleep because her father could get up and make bottles and feed her. So I never did any research on it or even thought about it. So when my water broke early and we were sitting in the hospital waiting a couple of days to induce my labor I began to think a little more about it. I looked into what benefits it could have for preemies; I looked up stories from other mom’s who pumped and fed their babies breast milk via a bottle and how it helped strengthen them a little more. After a lot of research during the 3 days leading up to my induction I still wasn’t so sure about latching her onto me but I thought I would give pumping a try. 

So after she was born I pumped a lot while she was in the hospital and then pumped some after she came home but I just couldn’t keep up. I tried to set a schedule to pump but I just couldn’t do it so when she was around 3 weeks old we started strictly feeding her formula. I hated myself for not being able to continue to provide for her but it wasn’t in the cards for me to do that. 

When we found out we were pregnant with Vi I decided to do some more research on breastfeeding. I was overwhelmed by all the information but I was determined I would breastfeed Vi. I was determined to be her full source of nutrition for as long as I could. 

Vi is now 5 months old and is strictly breastfed. I have pumped a few times and attempted to let her dad feed her but she prefers straight from the tap. 

Breastfeeding wasn’t easy at first. In the hospital she came out and latched on like a pro, she must have been doing her own research. Lactation consultants came to my room and I told them I didn’t need any help she was doing just fine. Day one at home and she seemed to have completely forgotten how to latch. I was in tears thinking that I was going to have to end this journey after only 5 days. I cried and yelled and cried some more I put myself down yet again telling myself I had failed. Finally after what seemed like forever (it was only like 2 hours) she finally latched on again. Things went smoothly for a few days and then the pain hit. 

Everyone tells you breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt and they are correct to a point. After breastfeeding for about 6-8 weeks the pain will go away and any pain after that point means something is wrong. Once the pain started for me I had only been breastfeeding for 2 weeks but was about to throw in the towel because I could not handle this pain. I have an extremely high tolerance for pain but this pain was different. It felt like a thousand firey razors were being scraped across my nipple and then salt was being poured in the wounds. 

I had done some more research on the pain and had read I shouldn’t be in pain also read that pain was normal the first few weeks. I read articles about tongue and lip ties. I think I read every article there was. I finally went to her pediatrician to see if it was something wrong with her. Her pediatrician looked and there were no ties everything looked perfect. So I went and saw a lactation consultant to see if her latch was bad, was told her latch was perfect. I was done I didn’t want to continue. I told my husband I couldn’t handle it anymore I had been in pain at this point for 3 weeks (Vi was 5 weeks old.) I decided to go see my OBGYN to see if there was something wrong with me because this could not be normal. Turns out it was normal and she told me she was going to prescribe me this ointment that would help.

When she told me she was going to prescribe this ointment for me I just smiled and walked out of the office. I had already tried every ointment I knew about, and all these different oils and home remedies and nothing worked but I went and got it anyway. Let me tell you this ointment I believe was made by God himself! After applying it I heard angels singing. Jack Newman’s All Purpose Nipple Ointment is a must of you decide to breastfeed. I have had a few pains here and there but we found out I have Vapospasms which is rare so don’t let a scary word scare you away from breastfeeding. 

Again any pain after 8 weeks you do need to get evaluated because it could be a lip or tongue tie it could be a latch issue but it’s not normal at that point. Breastfeeding is an amazing experience, and an amazing bond between you and your baby is created. But if you can’t breastfeed or decide not to don’t think there is anything wrong with that. Like instated before Alice was formula fed and she excels in a lot of things she is extremely intelligent. So don’t think you are hurting your babies development. A fed baby is all that matters. I just wanted to share my journey. I will eventually write a blog on breastfeeding facts and information on perceived vs true low supply. This was just more of my personal experience and journey with breastfeeding. So keep on being the amazing mommies you are.

Peace.Love.And Keep Adventuring 

About Us

I met my husband Jon in April of 2015. We dated for a little bit and split up after about 3 months. We needed to work on ourselves a little because neither of us were truly ready. After being split up for about a month we tried again that lasted 3 days haha! I knew I loved him but he wasn’t ready.

A month later I found out I was pregnant! It was definitely a shock and was extremely scary. Jon and I decided to try a relationship a final time for our child. It was truly a struggle those first few months but we survived them.  

My pregnancy with Alice was awful. I was told it would be a miracle if she made it and if she did she would most likely be early. Everyone says pregnancy is supposed to be a joyous and exciting time but it wasn’t for me. I had Hyperemesis Garvidarum (extreme morning sickness which can be dangerous) and was terrified of what could happen to my baby. Alice was born 6 weeks early but was super healthy and only stayed a week in NICU (I will eventually do a blog on her birth story)

In July of 2016 we found out we were pregnant again… Birth control failed us twice! At this point I was suffering badly with postpartum depression. I hated myself because I felt that I was taking things away from Alice. That Alice was still a baby and we were selfish for bringing another baby into the world. But after awhile those thoughts left.

In October of 2016 Jon and I got married!! It was a beautiful yet funny experience. But being pregnant made it hard to fully enjoy my wedding, but it made people do everything for me while I sat back and gave directions. 

Again I had another difficult pregnancy. I was diagnosed woth cholestasis of pregnancy which again is another dangerous thing to have during pregnancy. Vi made it full term but I had to have a c section due to her being huge haha! (Again I will blog about her birth story as well) 

Having two babies 11 months apart has been difficult but it has been an exciting adventure! These girls have done amazing things for my life and I can’t wait to continue to Wander Through Life’s Adventures with them.

Peace.Love.And Keep Adventuring